look back, and see the little rabbit

its amazing to be me. HAHAHA i think so. if you just look around you find sooo much shit. its like there is a god, just because of the little shits.work sucked ass today. EVERYONE SLACKED OFF. but not chris. he is usually on the ball and what not. pissed me off. that fucker steve has to go soon. he was late again, and i had to do his fuckin job. shit. im gonna ask if i can replace him...if so.....im gonna get him fired. not really, just point out stuff he does, that pisses me off to the boss. brb door

identify

selfishnes is good. be selfish, and you will understand what it is that needs to be done. thats what im told

so it goes

talked to that guy mamamaria wanted me to see. good results i guess.i need a girlfriend says he. and thats about it. well shit. guess there's a first time for everything.anyways. thats shit and shit it all for me to see.i rowed after work at 7 something, it is so fucking awsome to row in that river. shit. the bronx at its finest. the fuckin spics shouting on the shore, fucking cars and shit, god damn buildings, fuck we even got a motehr fucking waterfall, yea a god damned waterfall. shit man, aint no one in the world ever seen what ive seen and enjoyed it as much as i have. fuck. youd think the country in albam would be beautiful. nah, they just have never lived, and enjoy their less than mediocre lives and shit. but whatever. fuck yea. it was god damn sweet.rowed with colin in the pair. i tried starboard. shit, i was stroke, i forgot how much you hav to think being stroke. it was good shit though. our second piece wasnt that bad. i think we ony rowed about 10,000 meters or so, 5 out, 5 in. or shit, maybe not even that close, but shit, we were in a pair, so it seemed like it. joe, larry, joe nemish, and i think shit i dont remmber the other guys name, but were definetely going to the games. thats good. my back didnt hurt AT ALL. but i know that i should definetely take that shit out, so i can recover better, plus we didnt row full pressure, only 3/4. i was still pullin pretty hard i guess.whatever. work was work. that gymastics dude gave me some beer. i couldnt drink it cause i was going straight to the river. so i gave it to steve, but he was a dick. he has strike one. one more and he's gone. john, and alan gave me some fucking rward shits, or something, i get yankee tickets or some shit john said.shit. the tickets were like 35 bucks pax said. but we might just go and try for the scalpers. yo, they are doing this shit about terror on the 4th of july. stupid mother fuckers. they are winning if we are even caring. shit, not like we can prevent them from crashing a plane into a building ourselves. let the govt worry. everyone else, go out and get drunk or some shit. fuck enjoy it i guess.thats about it i guess for now, i only had 2 hours of sleep last night. i need my sleep so i can flirt with that rich ass red head with the land rover.

tai fighting is kick ass

i want to try to do that shit. its fierce. im gonna ask dace where he did it, since he is from tuscaloosa, unless he went elsewhere for it.i just dropped off sam, blah blah blah, but im wathcing this shit. later for this.

alberquerque

alisan just signed off, and is headed for rhode island. gonna see julie for a bit, then comin to ny for a few days. thats cool.ruben was late. i was there til 7:15 then i left. drove around ny for a bit. i love this fuckin city.gotta get tires, and brakes today, well definetely bakes.

japanese

i meant to put this in the last shit.im watching some japanese channel again, and i cant understand them for shit, although im not really trying. i need to study more!!!i can read some of the shit, but that aint all of the shit, or even mostt of the shit.im gonna watch for a few minutes, and this is what i gather....nevermind its just comercials now: hahaha pumpkin soup. FUCK that was awsome. some kind of martial arts comercial, they got the shit kicked out of them. anyways japanese is cool, i still cant understand it.

happy or sad

jess has been happy recently.that is good.it is easier for me to be happier when i dont have to worry if she is happy or not.so keep being happy.

pink is.....EROTIC

i like her videos. she has got some huge appeal to me. she just makes me smile. not really SEXY though she can be if she wanted to. id say erotic. provocative at times, but not enough, but just enough. i think id like to buy her bootleg, cause i got no burner here. plus i need to get a ktu mix cd anyways. she just licked a guys stomach, that is not cool, but yet i dont care, cause she is still awsome. yo im pissed at the yankees.i hate ventura. he is a fucking met. his fielding SUCKS. everytime i watch a game he fucks up on the field. i saw him hit a few good shots, but shit, the fucking erors LOSE games. his hits, dont WIN games. brosious was SOOO much better.next week im gonna try and go to a cyclones game with pax and some guys.oh yea, who else.....i still hate jeter.wtf is up with moose, he got too comfy.at least we are winning right now 10 - 5.work was good today, id have to say it was a good day. i did my thing, dont really care if others did theirs. got praised by those that matter. its all good. learning experience. gotta go downtown to get this kid an id. 7 am. fuck! i dunno. his girl rebecca or so i think is what he told me but i thought i heard someone call her jessica, but i got that impression after i was just talking to jess. hold upWTF~el duque is closing??? and the first baseman johnson, dropped the fucking ball on a fucking toss right INTO his glove. SAFE! this is what im talking about. WHO THE FUCK IS JOHNSON!? get rid of his fuckin ass!shit, where was i? whatver. that indian looking girl who is hot, was rubens, but he claims he gives up cause he cant speak english good enough. id feel kinda shitty, still do kinda, but she talks to me and shit, but ruben is always right there, and i say shit that he can answer, but he just stys shut. oh well. i prolly cant do shit with her anyways cause of the set up, but whatever. if ruben can get a shot, its all his. but whatever. oh yea, the others i wrote about i still cant get near. most of them are lifeguards,and KNOW they are the shit. so its tough, i cant really fucking do too much, but ehh, i do what i can. that sara girl looks, but is shy, so she is clearly in high school. but i dont care, im not lokin for anything remotly in that area with her.i need to seriously lower my standards here, but shit. they are just so hot.fuck! literally, but shit.whatever.shit im putting in too much detail in this shit nowadays.fuck it. its all for fun. i need to get to sleep soon.gotta take care of some shit real quick then chat for a bit.oh shit more to write anyways.i was speeding down the northern section of the ronx river, the tiny ass shit. man i love new york. i swea to god i wish southerners could be up there. that is why i am one of the greatest drivers in the fuckin country. shit. the shit out there, is nuts. that is like FUCK, shit, there are no workds for it. you gotta see it. highway to heaven baby. FUCK! yea, i talk the shit, but only after, or while i am doing the shit. fuck i love it motherfucker! FUCK YEA! WOOOOOOOOOOHHHHH.the condition of my body.i think everyday about surgery. i want to have it if i can get back to 100% or damn near close to it. ever since i told myself i would heal. i have been. i feel A LOT better. i feel really good. my back is as strong as its been in a while, but i need to row, to test it. if i cant row then i need surgery. i will find out about empires, and if no, then im gonna erg, and then see about the surgery. i dunno. there are times when i know i need it, and then i tink, i can deal with it. my leg shakes VIOLENTLY when i stretch in crtain positions in class. i just force it, i still get the stretch, but my leg spasms, i cant control. one time i was almost in tears with frustration. it makes me sad. i am in good shape, i dont want to lose it from sitting around after surgery. but i wanna have the surgery, and recover to be in the best shape of my life. i am solid right now. even my stomach is flattening out, it hasnt been this flat since sophmore year in highschool, if i can get it to junior year, i will be SET. but shit. not like im stacked or anything near that, i might not be as storng as i was when i was lifting, but im good, ya know? yea, of course i know. its me. i will never forget how im feeling now. maybe its the yoga, but shit. i love it. come on, hit me! so i can hit you back! YEAAAAAAAAA feel the testosteronii. shit yea. i love it. but im waisting too much time.

60 second assasins

girls girls girls girls.shit. they sure do keep me moving during the day. then they leave. and i dont wanna do shit.rebecca is that girl ruben was talking to, kinda indian or someshit. pax picks her up everyday and she vacuums the pools. sarah is the gymnastics chick, but i still think she is in high school. the lifeguards at pools 1-5, there are so many. the redheaded but clearly fake, but something highly attractive about it, is just a counselor, but she drives a land rover, ive seen her around. twoother highlighted blondes are counselors too, and thats all i can think of for now.for the progress...

im tired

shit. i came home at 6:45, fell asleep wanting to get up at 8 for class, but woke up at 6:00, for work, SHIT. my whole body hurts, not as bad as after a workout, but shit. it still hurts. thats good.gotta get ruben an id saturday, but i dont have time. gotta fix my brakes and shit then too. im always cranky when i get here after work.gotta go to class after work, straight.gotta get brakes after class.gotta find out when and if we are rowing, then schedule my surgery, then fucking get it, then recover, and fast!

damn it feels good to be a gangster

real gangster ass niggas dont sleep. damn it feels good to be in new york city. nigger is no longer a NEGATIVE WORD. you may try, but you will fail. white people, spics, blacks, asians, fuck indian curry eating motherfuckers too. all niggers. damn its nice to hear nigger coming out of their mouth. same shit as DUDE. fuck it.i fucking ramble like a little bitch ass sometimes in these fuckin letter shits. maybe one day i will read this shit over.308 is my apt number on crabtree rd. and its on the right.tomorrow is gonna be fuckin hot and shitty.camp starts thursday. ruben's girl in red, is a pool vacuumer. ha. thats pretty cool. i just thought id say that. im hot now. time to do some shit.

eeeeeeeeee

my dad gave me a hug like he was concerned and shit. i will admit, i am truly scared at those moments. i do not know what to do. my neck tightens up, i put my hand on his shoulder, and the other on his elbow cringing in fear. is it bad?? i dunno. that is partly why my neck was so strong for wrestling. i used to walk around tightening up my neck, i think my neck is still pretty strong, but it is not as huge since i left here. he suggested take a semmester off, blah blah blah. what the hell. how do i react to this. he asks my opinion, but i just keep on saying i dunno and backl off in fear. i hate that shit. my neck is fuckin tight right now. i hate that shit. anyways. fuck it.people are concerned. its cool. i feel appreciated??? cared about. i had to fucking almost cry to get my fucking dad to back off, and try to help, im not even going to touch that shit. i really am scared of that fucker. no one will ever be able to understand, nor should they ever have to or want to. anyways again! my aunt julie, as always is lookin for doctors, she found a few. my aunt rita has too. my uncles show their support in their own way, its cool. i dunno what to think. maybe its major, maybe, no it just is. but i cant change it. i know what i want to do, and i want to do it. but i dunno, how others will take it. fuck it. surgeons are paid to do what they do. i hate it when people question me. when i speak up....i am right....when i dont, im never wrong either. ya know??? not really, but back surgery is not my field. it is HIS. HE tells me, i will get better if i have it. OK so do it. SIMPLE! my life has been a lot easier since i changed my outlook to that. there is always a simple explaination. usually. some people notice it, others do not. oh well.fix me up. then i will rest. then i will be back to normal. as if nothing ever happened. money..thats what insurance is for, since my dad is letting me use his insurance, all i gotta do is keep paying the damn 13 dollar co-pay and thats all. yea, its frigin adding up now, but its better than a few hundred. then shit, cut me open and sew me up. SIMPLE.i dont want to think. i used to, and that got me all shitty in the head. now, just do it. fuck it. life aint a rehersal and shit. i already failed once. i do not want to fail again. i must get back up. i will not stay down! i fucking refuse to. eventually i will find meaning in life and shit. but fuck it. UB says, enjoy it. if your not, then leave. so i shall. i know if i think about the actual surgery i might have second thoughts, but im not gonna, shit, what can i do about it. NOTHING. so, i will never be phased by it. i fucked up. GET BACK UP AND FIX IT. that is ALWAYS the better answer. no appologies. only say that to women. they like that shit sometimes. but still, actions help it out as well. anyways, im waisting my time.i need to put in rear brakes on my car. SHIT. its too fuckin hot for that. i know im gonna get pissed and wanna stop. hopefully this week i will get it done. people to call, things to do...laters

cut and paste

wakie wakie. go to surgeon. surgeon say, you should cut cut, microsomethingectamy. he give many details. i learn.strength back...90% chance of fullpain....a lower percent but im not sure....but it does not mean that you are not at full strength.recovery....few days..IMOBILE! ....two weeks....MAYBE walking ....12 weeks....maybe full strength as its gonna getproceedure...remove the damaged area of disk...leave 60-70% still in there...NOT recomended to take ALL of it out...BAD-fusion...not yet at least.1% chance of infectionim forgeting all the other percentages, but they are for paralysis and all that other stuff.suppossedly best doctor of the year, three years in a row..new yorker magazine.perhaps i will, perhaps i will.my plan now:1.start rowing this week, see how i feel. prolly good enough to compete.2.row.3.schedule surgery for after empires4.row in the empire state games, and get a medal for NYC. "kill whitey!"(long island)5.return august 46.have surgery.7.recover.8.go back to work, maybe.9.see how i feel driving. if good, great, if not, find someone to journey to the heart of dixie and then send them back in a plane.10. file for bankruptcy.i still ahve to go to work today. this is me SLACKING. i guess i will sign off, and go now, though id much rather sit here and waiste some more time.

winter

i wish it to snow now. i love the winter. in nyc. the best. there is no place id rather be than there. awe.

just here

frustrating day at work. people dont do shit. thats fine, but dont get in my way and slow me down. blah blah. i have done the most out of all the maintanance people. fuck! im tired. but i will never rest. never give up. i have rested enough in the past. i should try to apply my work ethic to school. but its hard. i dont want to go to school. its not like i want to work....yes i do. its a sense of accomplishment for myslef. the school is an acomplishment for those that give me the job, then....i make something for myself at that job. fuck that shit, whatever. i think im gonna go chill with erik today, but i dunno if i wanna go out and fuck around like that. i dunno. maybe i will. im just tired of being tired. i wanna have a weekend off, or a day off even. where i dont have to do shit, but have business' open so i can get shit done that i need to get done. "i swear your just like a pill, instead of makin me better, you keep makin me ill..." i think im gonna sit here a bit more, then figure some shit out.im losing weight???? i dunno.i got my mri films. i cant tell shit. i look fine, but what the fuck do i know.i want to weigh myself. i keep eating a lot, but i seem to be skinny??? i dunno. i want to get stronger, not weaker. i need to row to see if im stronger, or worse, i know im not the smae, cause i never had the opportunity to level out.better would be 7 or under. worse would be like....near 8, SHIT i know im not that bad.my back feels a little better i think. i dont know if i need surgery or not. i hope that he doesnt recomend surgery. i dunno. if it will cure me, i will, but i doubt it will. i just dont want to fuck myself up worse next year. anyway, i will write later. im gona go do some shit.

pills to make me sleep

i need to get to fuckin sleep. its like im on cafine pills, or speed or someshit. i just wanna go out and do something. i wanna go out and conquer the world and shit. fuck! hurry up and get tired i say! FUCKFISHDGKFJDGSDHFGSJDFGLFDGNDFIOVJD calm the shit ass fuck bitch down. morphone. just like a pill. she's being a little bitch. where i can run, as fast as i can, to the middle of nowhere. and i swear your just like a pill. instead of makin me better, your just makin me ill. whooooooooooo. fuck.i swear, your just like a pill. pink is hot. she has that sex appeal. her first video was awsome. i like that lady. but she seems to be a bit....grimey..yea, thats what i say. days go by and still i think of you. im watchin mtv. fuck. still a whisper on my lips. i need to erg. do pushups. run around. shit. tired myself out. yoga. fuck. something. i will do pushups. maybe if i have cards i will try that trick jason said. take a card. do that many pushups. take another, then do that many. lets see if i gots some cards here.

nuri

nuri also e-mailed me again. i wonder what he is up to really, i heard some weird shit about him from mary. oh well. take it at face value as always.anyways, the reason i wrote this one.... for my future reference.grey top - red hair, sunglasses......7-8, cause of faceblue jeans - lime green bottom of bag, reddish hair.....8 cause she isdark skinned- dark hair- nice eyes....10 she is fuckin hot as all fucking shit, fuck fuck shit! she was wearin red too, nice! - ruben was "talkin" to her yesterday though, so he's got dibs if he can get up enough english to get her.redhead black top....9 she was watchin me put fuckin boxes in the truck, shit i was watchin her too :-Dpink shirt, grey shorts, curly black hair - 7.5.....for those rainy days.gymnastics girl asian decent!! hell fuckin yea...10 she is kinda young, or at least looks likeit. im not an ass man, but god damn. PERFECTION. god knew what he was doing there. red shorts from teh first time saw her, skinny, nice legs.....9.5....dies her hair kinda reddish blonde...she is hot. i want some to take home.yumfake red hair, red shirt..music girl...FREAK, or id like to think so...8..the glasses are apealing.many many more, who i can not give enough detail to do me any good. but there is much work to be done this summer. much of which will NOT be written, but never foprgotton. im off to melee. later mo fucka

im already here

erik just called. its always good to hear from him. i feel a great sense of accomplishment when i teal;k to him. he has come a long way. i have to come through tomorrow, and see his child. jalie?? i think, i cant spell it. after i get my mri films, and some other shit. fuck. i have to do other shit too. oh well. its gonna, it already is a full summer, now itts gonna be even better,and longer with this guys antics. orientation was good. i got to see all the counselors and that good shit. i have rubens passport, i dunno what that whole thing is gonna come to though. time will tell. talked to mary today. she called when i was at some meeting, but i called her when i got out. lara returned my call tonight too. she is having fun in mobile. jess is lost in arkansas, but i think she is gonna make some good improvements this summer, already has, but she reads this shit sometimes so i cant say too much. twosaucy. how the fuck do you get that name shit to popup when katie does it?? good shit. i cant wait to gochill with this fella tomorrow. ok enough with this girly shit.

no time

fuck this shit. i have too much to do to write in this shit. fuck it all.

a fuckin long day

3 hours of sleep, got up, worked til 12:30. shit im tired of being the reliable one. tireing shit. new guys were there. got off, came back, went to vanessa's graduation. aunt julie, uncle bobby, aunt rita and uncle terry came. it was cool. i look up to both of them. they are awsome. i had a good time just takin in what i could from them. "there goes the class of 2002" that was a good pun. the baloon was flyin away, says my uncle. corny to most, but i likeded it. i ate clams just cause they did. im a loser. ha. im tired as all fuck now. i want to do NOTHING tomorrow. but i cant. sucks. fuck whatever. im gonna go relax and do something now that im away from restricting people. fuck it.

gone away

bak cage- thats the name of it. it seems good. talkin to ali...tims friend from nc. thats about it. im tired

SLACKER!

good day, id say.worked....more so SLACKED LIKE A MUH FUCKA!!! shit. same as yesterday, only better. it was fuckin hot as shit today. put up fences, and thats about it, and slacked. te pizza AGAIN for lunch. FUCK ALABAMA PIZZA! he is the one that goes to GT. he's never been to New Orleans, but hes gonna go, his uncle or something is in b'ham, gonna see whats the deal when i go back i guess. went to yoga shit therapy one on one. it helped i guess. i dunno. my back doesnt hurt as much now, now, but thats cause i havent stopped moving yet today, so i will see in a few minutes or so. called nextel all day and shit. got it straightened out i think. even got my ny line back, but now i think i wanna get an i90, but those shits are expensive, but there is a new one coming out in amonth, maybe ill finagle a cheaper one or some shit in the city. called the nuerosurgeon, they called my parents house, and talked to my sister, saying they were RETURNING my call. bitches. i hate westchester. i asked them for an appointment and they said tehy would call me back. for what i dont know. fuck you coulda told me hsit the first time. fuck westchester. deposited that check finally, now i really gotta fix shit up.fortue garden is closed...bad???? maybe?? not really. no more wonderful chicken, but those that knew me for that, are gone anyway.some lady is gonna maybe teach mejapanese in manhattan. gotta see whats up first. im just gonna sit here and waiste my life for a bit. TANJOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

no answers

i just got back from the doctors. i am pissed for one, but terrified. they make me sit in the fucking waiting room for 45 mins, then in the room for 15 mins, then he talks to me for 5 mins, and send me on my way, with anotehr number to call. a neurosurgeon. he wants me to have the disk removed i think? i asked him i told him, i wanted to row again, i dont want to lose my abilities and shit. he said have your parents call me, tehy are nice people. FUCK THEY HAVE SHIT TO DO WITH THIS! goddamn it. what the fuck. they are gonna bitch about money or something. i dont even know. I, me, I I dont want to have it, one for the money, two, because of the failure rate. shit do i need to go on? i dont know what the hell to do. i dont want to be disabled for the rest of my life. i am fine now, i dont want to remove shit that god put tehre. he put it there for a reason. i have three sets of teeth, i wouldnt take them out for no reason. i have an appendix...people have that shit taken out...i have tonsils...fuck....i keep those fucking things. you can live without it, but you can live without eyes, ears, andone lung, bullshit i can ramble on more about that fucking shit. i dont want to be useless.he told me not to work. well fuck, thats the only thing im good at. manual labor and shit. if i get surgery i might lose my job. man i hate people soooo god damned much. they piss me off. the kids.....they become adults.....they scare me...they only hurt others.....trying to benefit themselves, but fail at that too. fuck i hate this shit. what the fuck is the next step? call teh surgeon and ask him bullshit stuff....can i afford to ask him shit? fuck doctors, i want to just heal on my own, without an alabamian to tell me false shit....or have short answers and refer me to another one who i dont wanna pay for. fuck. i hate i hate i hate. i just hate. it makes me feel better. hating is good. relieves stress. i HATE. fuck this shit. i want to know if i wll be able to move. i dont want to be lame. fuck, lame to me is not being able to do what i did before. get into fights. fuck around. take a beating and dish it out as often as i like. being able to touch my toes even, shit alone touch the floor with ease. fuck. im just waisting time...i need to get answers. FUCK YOU ALL! i hate most of you fucking bastards.

im gonna need a drink bottle

man. i was assigned to "crossroads" for a little while today and i heard a kid say that. man i hate kids. i hate me as a kid. i feel all shitty inside. like i need pepto bismal or something. they just make my stomach churn. they ask they ask. owwww. i hate it. no, they demand, they state. i dunno, maybe if they asked politely, and said if it is not too much trouble, i would like.... whatever.when i was a kid i dont know how bad i was. i think i wanted stuff sometimes and shit. i feel horrible about it. i cant think now, but i will not type down the actual events, but i remmber them vividly. man i hate ME. im such an asshole. i should never ever speak. i am worthless. i really am. why do i think im worth something. first i must become something, but its hard when i am less than nothing. i lose breath when i think about it. kids are not happy to me.parents kept telling their kids you can ride in the stroller, and gave BS answers as to why not. some were good, others were not. kids remember those lies....well i did. and i would ask again later on in life, and be told "i never said that to you" but i can not win the argument, although i remmber vividly in my head many differnt things like that, and shit it hurts.i think i need to let that go, but how? it hurts. im an asshole. only concerned with myself. even when i think about others. im concerned with how shitty people think i am cause i dont show enough. its hard, i try, but i fail.this is just shit that passes through my mind every so often. i know it holds me back. im just talkin to melissa and mary kate now. i had something else to write but i dont remmber it now.

fuck!

sam called me at 7 and asked me if i wanted to take an extra ticket to a yankee game today. FUCK! i work, fucking assholes. SHIT. then i got class. fuck!

breath

ha. well i once again prolly got into more than i shoulda. i have one month at LEASt of yoga for now. i think it will help. surprisingly after i told myself i would heal myself, what gina lady tells me i can heal myself with yoga. shit she says makes sense i guess. the simple shit she told me to do now for homework logically will REALLY help my back out. fuck doctors. but i will see. i still have no god damn breaks, i have to work tomorrow and sunday as well. FUCK i dont even get time and a half for overtime. why i have no clue, but whatever, all the money is going to yoga if it will cure me. from what i learned, i might even be able to row!!! that shit is worth half of my paycheck for the next month. mabye??? its only that much cause i was an asshole and signed up for the private sessions, back massages and personal attention shit. i wil prolly do it another month, but WITHOUT the fuckin personal shit. but fuck, im going EVERYDAY, if i understand it corectly. anyway, i have sooo much shit to get done. but i wanna eat some GRAND ice cream, i dunno how to spell EDY. oh well, then i have HW, paperwork, and jap to get done. i think that chick is korean??? the writing looks like it maybe??? but when she said hello to some lady it sounded like good morning in japanese, but it was 5 o clock, so i think its just a similarity in the languages.I GOT SECRETS CANT LEAVE CANCUN!

mind your matter

i will heal myself. with help.i say fuck it. i will just heal.i dont give a shit.i will lose weight and cox, i do not have a choice, but i will strengthen my back.i will get this shit done with.FUCK YOU ALL. You can all go straight to hell.if....

bad news

shit happens daily, i dont give a fuck, mostly work and shit.doctor called and told my mom i have "a large herniated disk, between L5 and S1, and he is very concerned, he does not want it to come to surgery."i looked shit up on the net. surgery is BAD. the thing i would have wanted if any was the replacement metal disk, but then it is not legal in the US YET, and it has bad long term detirioration, and may become unlodged with activity. shit, also fusing the bones, the rods may splinter, same with bone grafts, and everything else.now that i know what it is, my back hurts a lot more. its all mental i know. shit. everything i look up says the MOST 6 weeks, it should be better, if not, then surgery is probably gonna be needed. its been 5 months. i really hate this shit. i hate the south, i hate sooo much, i am so bitter, i am running out of emotions, im tired of blocking the fucking pain. i can block the physical pain fine, or ignore it, or whatever, but shit, i want to be able to move. i want to be able to row, i wanted to actually be good at that shit. i have to wait til fucking monday to find out what the doctor wants to do. i cant take this shit right now, im so fuckin bitter towards everyone and everything right now, but all i do is laugh and smile when people talk about this shit, man im fuckin confused right now. fuck it

why write?

i never write all the shit i mean to write. i leave so much out.sam was engaged - i never wrote that, and other shit i cant think of now. i am so tired after work. my days suck! i came home today went on my moms computer and then laid out on the floor and passed the fuck out. i need to learn japanese faster. shit i gotta respond to an e-mail.