bad news

shit happens daily, i dont give a fuck, mostly work and shit.doctor called and told my mom i have "a large herniated disk, between L5 and S1, and he is very concerned, he does not want it to come to surgery."i looked shit up on the net. surgery is BAD. the thing i would have wanted if any was the replacement metal disk, but then it is not legal in the US YET, and it has bad long term detirioration, and may become unlodged with activity. shit, also fusing the bones, the rods may splinter, same with bone grafts, and everything else.now that i know what it is, my back hurts a lot more. its all mental i know. shit. everything i look up says the MOST 6 weeks, it should be better, if not, then surgery is probably gonna be needed. its been 5 months. i really hate this shit. i hate the south, i hate sooo much, i am so bitter, i am running out of emotions, im tired of blocking the fucking pain. i can block the physical pain fine, or ignore it, or whatever, but shit, i want to be able to move. i want to be able to row, i wanted to actually be good at that shit. i have to wait til fucking monday to find out what the doctor wants to do. i cant take this shit right now, im so fuckin bitter towards everyone and everything right now, but all i do is laugh and smile when people talk about this shit, man im fuckin confused right now. fuck it