eeeeeeeeee

my dad gave me a hug like he was concerned and shit. i will admit, i am truly scared at those moments. i do not know what to do. my neck tightens up, i put my hand on his shoulder, and the other on his elbow cringing in fear. is it bad?? i dunno. that is partly why my neck was so strong for wrestling. i used to walk around tightening up my neck, i think my neck is still pretty strong, but it is not as huge since i left here. he suggested take a semmester off, blah blah blah. what the hell. how do i react to this. he asks my opinion, but i just keep on saying i dunno and backl off in fear. i hate that shit. my neck is fuckin tight right now. i hate that shit. anyways. fuck it.people are concerned. its cool. i feel appreciated??? cared about. i had to fucking almost cry to get my fucking dad to back off, and try to help, im not even going to touch that shit. i really am scared of that fucker. no one will ever be able to understand, nor should they ever have to or want to. anyways again! my aunt julie, as always is lookin for doctors, she found a few. my aunt rita has too. my uncles show their support in their own way, its cool. i dunno what to think. maybe its major, maybe, no it just is. but i cant change it. i know what i want to do, and i want to do it. but i dunno, how others will take it. fuck it. surgeons are paid to do what they do. i hate it when people question me. when i speak up....i am right....when i dont, im never wrong either. ya know??? not really, but back surgery is not my field. it is HIS. HE tells me, i will get better if i have it. OK so do it. SIMPLE! my life has been a lot easier since i changed my outlook to that. there is always a simple explaination. usually. some people notice it, others do not. oh well.fix me up. then i will rest. then i will be back to normal. as if nothing ever happened. money..thats what insurance is for, since my dad is letting me use his insurance, all i gotta do is keep paying the damn 13 dollar co-pay and thats all. yea, its frigin adding up now, but its better than a few hundred. then shit, cut me open and sew me up. SIMPLE.i dont want to think. i used to, and that got me all shitty in the head. now, just do it. fuck it. life aint a rehersal and shit. i already failed once. i do not want to fail again. i must get back up. i will not stay down! i fucking refuse to. eventually i will find meaning in life and shit. but fuck it. UB says, enjoy it. if your not, then leave. so i shall. i know if i think about the actual surgery i might have second thoughts, but im not gonna, shit, what can i do about it. NOTHING. so, i will never be phased by it. i fucked up. GET BACK UP AND FIX IT. that is ALWAYS the better answer. no appologies. only say that to women. they like that shit sometimes. but still, actions help it out as well. anyways, im waisting my time.i need to put in rear brakes on my car. SHIT. its too fuckin hot for that. i know im gonna get pissed and wanna stop. hopefully this week i will get it done. people to call, things to do...laters